I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
