did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
