his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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