Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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