my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
