Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
