is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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