Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
