Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
