I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
