Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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