No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
