Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
