I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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