Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
