i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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