i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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