I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
