We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
