I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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