im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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