Please, let me fuck your mom
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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