I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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