He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
