i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
