Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
