I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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