also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
