He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
