Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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