if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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