I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
