Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
