the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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