There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
