By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
