My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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