there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize