I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
