the condom got lost in my hair
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
