I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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