you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
