Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize