I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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