two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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