wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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