So drunk its hurt
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i dont even know how to be here
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
