you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
