I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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