you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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