I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
