Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
