There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
