You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
