I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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