Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
