He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize