i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
