There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
