I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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